"Love. Four letters that can mean so much and so little. Butterflies in
your stomach love. Brotherly love. Love for that Chinese place in town.
So many meanings. I’ve been in love once. Feeling like nothing could
ever go wrong; invincibility, at your core. Love, goes against all
human nature. Primal human instinct is survival. Me. As long as my
heart keeps beating, then life goes on. What happens when the one whom
you love, dies? Please, God, oh God, take ME instead! You survive; yet
a part of you has died. What then? What am I capable of? It makes me
wonder why we are at our average with the absence of that love. All is
well, and all is well, and all manner of thing shall be well. Then we
indulge. People block their hearts all the time. Refuse to feel this
warmth. And once they slip into the most addictive drug on the planet,
the most beautiful mess ensues. Emotional turmoil begins. Ask anybody
who has been in love. You are totally out of control, yet your life is
in the most stable point you’ve ever felt. When I was oh so young and
oh so in love, I was at a turning point. For my better half, college,
half a world away from where we were in that moment, both physically
and in our relationship. For me, still coming into adult hood (though
it is speculated if I ever will), still mapping out where to lead my
life. So much was static, changing. All so volatile and I could never
feel more complacent. Sure I was worried, but I didn’t care, because I
had my baby in a basement sitting in an incredibly uncomfortable chair
with me taking random IQ tests, and my world couldn’t be any better.

The feel of love is something indescribable, a side-effect of its
multiple meanings. As human beings, we are capable of loving so much.
To bounce back after a terrible relationship and still go on, looking
for that one who can recreate that feeling, that feeling that you can’t
quite put your proverbial finger on….

Sure, all that has gone for me, momentarily, but here I am. Here I am,
still searching, still looking for the one who can recreate that
feeling of why I tried so hard. No thing in life is perfect, love
included. A wise man, I believe his name was Alfred, once inquired,
“Why do we fall sir? It’s so we can learn to pick ourselves back up
again.” And the beauty of love is discovering that special someone so
we never have to use that skill ever again."
                                                                    Learning Love, Female-Age 17

    "the satisfaction of being a skinny girl crosses my mind mmm, about twice a day. Depending on who I'm with, who I'm eating around, and what I'm eating. I wont deny any of it. I wont pretend that most days I think about this. Because I know all my friends do, teachers, mom, etc… and, today I realized something.
This should no longer consume my thoughts, nor time. This will no longer be an issue in my mind. why?
Because, i have the will power. I am starting to refuse to become a girl who cares about the worlds opinions about bodies. lets see. i think, I'm okay. no, i know I'm okay. I know, that this will no longer consume my days, How good or bad they are.
    Mirrors are pointless. Self satisfaction to prove your beauty to another. Call me crazy, but… its a pointless ritual most of us consume our lives around. Lately, everything is changing. my moods.
my music.
my happiness.
my friends.
my family.
and, its a good change. the only thing that can consume my thoughts is my stupid weight.
that is dumb. I danced in the road today. I played imaginary basketball, and i ran around like i was four.
I've held hands, and I've talked to an old friend. I'd say life is good. So, moral of this little note:
To not consume my thoughts with dumb girl thoughts, that clearly, shouldn't matter.
To become happier in my own skin, and to understand that its a waste of time and energy.
no more, no more.
                                                                        Finding Inner Beauty, Female-Age 15

    "I feel so mediocre these days. I go through each day kind of numb to everything, just going through the motions. I'm ridiculously busy so I never even have time to stop and think. I'm not doing anything important. It's all superficial, earthly stuff and I'm sick of it. But I don't even have time to do something more with my life. I don't even have time for a quiet time any more. I'm hardly home, and I miss hanging out with my parents. I feel dry and washed up. Like I'm good for nothing. Like God won't want to use me because I'm too busy for Him or something. I let someone down every day. And I hate it. I want to make everyone happy but I can't seem to find the right balance. I wish I could just go away from everything. I want to go sit in the woods by myself and experience God. I want to spend all day observing His amazing creation and worshiping Him. I want to sit and enjoy His presence without any distractions or interruptions. I'm worried because I don't really feel Him as much these days. And the sad part is that I am the one pushing Him away. But I want to experience God, I want to feel His love, I NEED to feel His peace. I just need to find the strength to say no to all the distractions and focus on my God."

                                              -Trying to Eliminate Distractions, Female Age 17

    "Well, I'm kind of confused because I know that God would have saved a whole city if He would have found one good person. I thing He would do the same for us. I think the only reason America hasn't been completely destroyed is because there is still some good people left. I really hope our generation is that of a great revival. I want that so bad. I know we can make a great difference but I'm just really excited to see how God is going to use us. I can't wait for Kamp. I really hope God reveals Himself even more there for me. I have all these confusing thoughts in my head. It's like I'm getting slowly drawn in by the word or something. The things I look forward to are of the world and it's weird because all the stuff that I know I should be doing for Christ doesn't seem that "cool" or fun. I think the world is really trying to get me to submit but F.Y.I. Satan NOT GONNA HAPPEN, so I don't care if you keep messing with me becuase I will not surrender to anything you but before me. God you know I'm really going to need some encouragment on this one. Please help those things tat are really what you want me to do become appealing. Help me to desire the the things that you planned to be what I look forward to. Okay, honestly I think I know where Satan is able to get into my mind and make me think these things. It's the O.C. but Lord you know I absolutely love that, which would probably explain why Satan has used it but I don't know if I can really give that all up. I'm going to need your help. Please bring something else into my life that will fill that void. Satan I rebuke you. You can not have a foothold on my life. So sorry to disappoint but find another girl to mess with because you definitely picked the wrong one."

                                                                    -Female, Age 15

    "I don't really like God anymore. I haven't talked to him in about four months and counting and I've been fine. I think it's because I still understand the basics of God and men because I'm not looking for happiness or security because I know that can't be found outside of God. i'm just looking for a break, God always wants something else, as soon as you tackle one mountain He's got another one twice as tall waiting for you next. Well I'm not the kind of person who can take that for very long. I was going strong for 9 months. I tried. I failed. I haven't given up I just need a break before I try again.
    People suck. I hate people. The reason I still hate people is because I know I'm so desperatly dependant on them, you can't live your life along. People crave other people. It's deep. What's human nature, does i ever change from generation to generatin? Do I have to be the one to find all the answers to all these questions? I guess so and that's okay because I'm the only one I really trust.
    I'm stil trying to break myself down. I hold myself in too high esteem. What don't get is how people are so open about their love for God with their voices but speak a totally different language with their bodies. And how they so readily except everything God has to tell them. I mean if you really stop to think about these claims they are 100% impossible and completely ridiculous. It's a lot to swallow, especially when you haven't been alive long enough to get yourself any experience in life. I tried it for a while and I'm still having some trouble really accepting it i have yet to see any sort of a half hearted try at living it out the way it's supposed to be from anyone I've met or heard about in my life. It's just not my time yet and that's okay with me. If this God is real He'll call me back when it's my time. But forright now I'm going to try figuring things out and try not to go crazy."

                                            -Male, Age 16

 
   I'm amazed at all the e-mails that continue to pour in. Sorry if I don't post them all at once, I don't want to drown you in the clutter. I will post it eventually I promise. Keep sending them in. I love hearing your thoughts, as do the readers from what I'm told. So if you have something on your heart e-mail it to me at adonyes@gmail.com and it will be posted in the near future!

    "I made a huge mistake! I mean huge. It has made me question everything, my salvation, my relationships, my worth, like I said…..everything! What should I do? I'm so confused, hurt, mad, frustrated right now. Will this feeling of disgust ever go away? I want to tell someone but I'm so afraid that everyone will find out. My pride is what keeps from confessing my horrible mistake. I feel as if I'm the only one who feels this way. I need prayer, or something. I'm not sure what I need, but I know I don't want to feel like this another second."
                                                                            -Deep in digust, Female-Age 16

    "I've been questioning my faith lately and don't really understand why.
My problem is that everything has been going really bad lately and
everything I try to do ends up failing. I just can't seem to do
anything right. I turned to God and asked for guidance then everything
seemed to get worse. I started to question my faith and I don't want to
lose that. Why did everything get worse? I was told that when
everything starts going bad you should turn to God and ask for help and
forgiveness and I did and it's just gotten worse. I don't get it. Why
is this happening? In 2006 I had a really, really close friend (she was
my girlfriend) her dad didn't like me very much and he also got a job
proposition in colorado so they moved there on there way to Colorado
they got in a car accident and my girlfriend was killed. Then
one of my best friends from Civil Air Patrol the Air force auxiliary
group I was in went to Iraq.
He was shot and killed in Iraq about 6 weeks of being there. Then my
great grandma died of cancer. Why is all of this happening? I need help
and I really don't want to lose my faith please can you help me?"
                                                                            Questioning life, Male-Age 17

    "I am having some problems. I feel I cannot overcome. Here's my story. I am 15 years old and in 10th grade. My GPA 4.0. I play football and track. I am a 2nd degree black belt I am almost an eagle scout. I have known that I wanted to be a preacher or something close for sometime now. I even have both my real parents. I am always trying to help friends to stay away form drinking, smoking, etc.. I have never done any of this stuff and never will. I cannot help myself. I have tried quitting several things, but I have not been successful. I have no self control, I'm looking at pornography, and I have had sex (3 times to same girl, her period is a couple days late). I feel so awful and lost at what to do. I am not myself. I had such a good life. I attend youth group, bible study, and I try to pray often. I have prayed for forgiveness, and I do not feel any better. I knew better than to do these things. I still did it. How could I ever be a preacher if she ends up pregnant? I know what people think of people who get pregnant. I have judged people who are.. I just think my world would end if she ended up pregnant. I get on a high in my faith when I'm at church or a conference hearing a speaker. But, once I got back to the real world, I go back to usual. It's hard to keep God on top of things…please share some wisdom. I do not know what to do."          
                                                                    Scared, Male-Age 15

    "It's just mainly monotony that drives me nuts. Life seems so dull and boring most the time. I live such a routine. Wake up, go to school, go to practice, eat dinner with the fam, do homework, go to bed, and repeat the cycle all over again. I can only pray that when I'm older I have a job that brings a sense of mystery with it. Where no day is ever the same. This cycle I live in seems to zap the life right out of me. Almost as if all I am is a robot in this fallen world. I can't wait for summer! Why does it seem when the sun is on fire so is my walk with the Lord?    

    Winter has snowed on my fire. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be passionate for Him. Then I ask whether it was ever passion to begin with, but rather the excitement from others overflowing into my own walk. Were the feelings real? But isn't He more than just a feeling? I don't understand why I feel so dead to my senses. If He is in me, shouldn't I feel alive? My life must have more meaning than just existing. I want to begin living again. To live a life that is not monotonous or routine, but to live a life that is alive and excites me to wake up in the morning!"

                                        -Mad at Monotony, Male-Age 18

    Need to be heard? Want to share your story? Want to tell us what is going on in your World this year? Send me an e-mail at adonyes@gmail.com and I will post it next Wednesday.

    "My heart has been so heavy lately. I'm trying my hardest to be in touch with what God is putting on it and on Sunday we had an extra long worship service and I realized what He has been pressing lately. Rain is coming. Get ready, it's going to rain, is what He's been saying. I really don't know what that's supposed to look like at all. But it kinda scares me. It is very rare that I know what God is saying to me. Actually, I can only think of one other time, last year. And now that it's happening I'm really scared and anxious and kind of excited again but not really because I don't even know what "rain" means. Hard times? Hopefully not because I fell like this year has all ready been hard enough. In September when my friend died it totally screwed me up. I didn't want anything to do with God. Ever. I was SO mad at Him and  I still kind of am. I mean really recently I have started to take down some of the walls I have put up towards Him. And I never ever talked about it to anyone except for just explaining what happened and that's it. I never talked about how I felt. Ugh I don't know. It's dumb. And i feel like a baby for still crying about it all the time. But I'm trying to get over it but I would be much more assured if I knew where she was. Heaven or Hell…ugh it's killing me. I miss her. A lot. I have to stop thinking about this. But I can't. DUMB. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I wish I was happy. That's so cheesy, I know, but i really do. AHHHHHHHH!!!!"
                                                        Still Mourning, Female-Age 16

    "I always feel like I have to live up to expectations. In sports, school, and just life in general. I'm supposed to be a great athlete, while keeping my grades above a 92%, and be a happy person with no problems. It just doesn't work for me. I can maybe do 2 of the 3 but all 3 at once is ridiculous. Slowly the expectations are reaching into my religious life. Youth pastors and parents are pushing me to be above average in this too! Why? I feel like my relationship with God is mine and I should own it. But those people just want my relationship to be able to be run by them but still "mine". It's stupid. It's funny though. They tell me to own my faith but I can't because after they tell me to own it, they won't let me. Expectations are just stupid."
                                                        Beyond Expectations, Male-Age 17

    "I need help and I'm willing to recognize that but not exactly sure how to
fix my problem.  I go to a boarding school, which, contrary to popular
belief in the midwest and south, is something that people in the north
east work very hard to achieve, and it isn't a punishment for people into
drugs or alcohol.  It's an extremely competitive process to get in, and
everyone except for 2 girls at my old school got wait listed everywhere, or
even rejected.  I love it here but during the fall, I felt the gap between
me and God growing by the day.  My life is just so structured and I have
literally no time to spend in the word.  I'm kicked out of my dorm at
7:30; I dont get out of classes until 3:05; I have practice starting
either at 3:30 or 4:30 and if it's starting at 4:30 I need to go to the
trainer to heat my knees, which are in bad shape; I have practice until
around 6-6:30; I have team dinner every night or physical therapy and then
dinner with my friends in my grade directly after practice; I need to take
a shower, and then have about 1/2 an hour to see my friends who I havent
really spent time with all day until an 8:00 studyhall which goes until
9:45; Our dismissal from studyhall is actually a call to check-in which
lasts until around 10-10:15 and then I get ready for bed because I have
lights out at 10:30.  During the summer at kamp, we talked about setting
aside a time in the day to spend with God, but I dont have as much control
over my life as most do and during my few minutes of free time, I usually
have something planned with friends.  We even have Saturday classes and
Sunday is typically a work day.  I rekindeled my relationship with God
over winterbreak and I'm desperate to keep it up and not fall back into
the cycle of uncertainty that I found myself in during this fall.  I'm
scarred that things will go back to being that way; it was hard enough the
first time to stop.  This fall, I felt that my relationship with Christ
semed artificial, forced, and I even doubted God at points.  I couldn't,
however, ever bring myself to completely believe that he wasn't out there
because my faith was, thankfully, deeply rooted within me.  I need a way
to prevent this fall from repeating itself.  Schoolwork gets overpowering
and stressful when I dont have God in my life.  My "claim to fame" this
fall was stress…something I'm not very pround of looking back on it
though it was totally legitiment at the time.  I'm desperate to stay on
track, but I know that if I dont find a specific way to stay there, I'll
fall away again until spring break — I cant live with that again.

                    Wanting more time with Him, Female-Age 16

    Well if you haven't figured it out yet, every Wednesday we listen to the voice of the readers on this blog rather than the voice of the author. So if you feel like you have something on your heart you want to share, or even if you just feel like being heard e-mail me at adonyes@gmail.com and I will make sure to post it next Wednesday.

    "Hmm. Well. Okay. This is ridiculous, but I can't decide whether to give up watching Lost or not. It's not that I think  it's that bad or anything. I just don't know that it's very beneficial. I keep thinking about this verse: 1 Corinthians 7:12, "All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything." And I think of Psalm 16:11, "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forever more." Is "Lost" worth it when there is fullness of joy in God's presence?"

                                    -Wrestling with Television Time, Female Age 19

    "I really want to be passionate again. I was reading the Word last night and I felt like I was just going through the motions. Just like a nice bedtime story to make me feel good before bed. I know I need to get serious about reading the Word and maybe start doing it in the morning (because I am kind of a morning person). I am getting concerned with things of this world which kind of scares me. I don't want to lose focus. I recently heard the song Motions by Matthew West and it was exactly what I'm going through. I am so tired of complacent Christianity. I want to be different than the majority of the world. I want to be passionate."

                                    Wanting Zeal, Female Age 16

    "You know that feeling where it's like you're being pulled in a million different directions, but you have no idea which one to take? It's like everyone has their own opinion of what you should do or what's "best" for you, and they're constantly trying to influence you to see it their way. They are all willing to do whatever it takes so that you live the way they want you to. It's like they don't even consider how you feel or what you want. After all it is YOUR choice the way you live. Why do they feel like they have control over it? I'm so sick of everyone making me feel like I need to act or be a certain way. I'm sick of my sister telling me what I shouldn't eat. I'm sick of my friends telling me who to like. I'm sick of my parents telling me that I need to be smarter, even though I'm already doing my best! And the worst part is, they don't even just come out and say their criticism honestly. They do it in this dirty sneaky way where they somehow make me feel guilty for not doing what they want. Ah! I'm so sick of it! I'm just now learning to say no to all of them. And it feels good. I'm taking control, no in fact, I'm gonna let God take control and let me be who He wasnts me to be. In Him, I will find my identity."

                                Searching for my I.D., Male Age 18

    "Yes, I have fears like everyone else, the fear of
spiders or drowning or whatever. But i was just thinking about this the
other day. My greatest fear is to be just another teenage girl. I don't
want to be average. I want to be what God wants me to be, and I know
God has a huge plan for my life, I know its bigger than I could ever
think about. I'm scared that I would miss His plan for my life. I have
seen what its like to be out of God's will. Its not fun. I'm scared
that when Im gone there will be nothing for anyone to remember. I'm
scared that when God looks me right in the eyes that He shrinks back
thinking about how great my life COULD have been. I'm scared I'm not
going to live up to God's, others, or even my own standards. I'm scared
of falling short. I am someone that gives all I've got all the time. So
when I fail, its hard for me to accept that. I don't want to disappoint
anyone, especially not God. I know I didn't write about just my
greatest fear but if you think about it, everything I just said ties
into one thing… I don't want to be average, I want to go above and
beyond that bar that was set for my by myself or my parents or whoever.

 It's that time of week again, where hearts are heard, and people are
just being real with where they're at. W.O.O.T. (Writing Out Our
Thoughts). If you have anything on your heart and want to get it out
make sure to e-mail me at adonyes@gmail.com

    "I'm debating as to whether or not I should even bother with setting a New Year's Resolution, or goal. Whatever you want to call it. For the last three years I have set new goals and haven't achieved any of them. Perhaps my goals are too lofty. Perhaps I'm just too lazy. It's sad that I only think about setting goals once a year when I constantly hear people tell me that successful people are continual goal setters. There's always the goal of doing more exercise. Than the better grades or more reading. But this year I'm going to try and become friends with 10 more people. This goal just seems more reasonable and actually excites me more than my past goals. It will require me to leave my comfort zone, and it's a goal that's not focused on myself. Maybe I'll write back in a few months and let all of you know how the new friend thing went!"
                                -Female, 17

"Happy New Year's Eve Everyone….those are my thoughts today "
                                -Male, 14