“Why do I feel so alienated sometimes? Why do I do that to myself? Why
when I try to break out of that shell does it always seem to be going
too far or be taken the wrong way or just be humiliating? It destroys
the positive energy and feelings I have worked to hard to achieve.
It’s so hard to be positive, self confident and just feel good about
myself all the time. People see the positive energy and the self
confidence I have built up but they never know the demons inside that
are always working to tear it back down. If they did, they would just
call it being whiney and feeling sorry for myself because they can’t
understand what it’s like.
I feel so envious of those people who don’t constantly doubt themselves
and live in a nurturing, encouraging environment. It must be so
wonderful to have someone being a cheerleader for you. I’ve always had
to be my own cheerleader. I have two wonderful parents but they never
really understood me or understood that their “helping” only make me
feel that much worse. How do you feel good when what you want and are
interested in is looked at like it’s wrong. It sounds like I’m about to
say I’m gay but it’s not. In a lot of ways I’m sure the feelings are
much the same since either way you’re different from others around you.
Why could I have not been born in a place where it was OK to be me? Or
why couldn’t I have been born a redneck or a jock or something else?
Why do others get to be born with self confidence and self esteem while
I have to fight for every ounce of it that I have? Why do they get to
be born in to a situation that builds them up while I have to build my
own and do a poor job of it.
I wish so much that I knew what God had in mind because maybe then this
suffering wouldn’t be so hard. I do believe there is a reason for all
I’ve been thru and who I am but I just don’t see it. All I can see
right now is the pain I feel. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m a wonderful person
and all that junk. It’s just hard to believe it when the evidence and
actions of others say otherwise. Being “wonderful” means nothing when
you are still alone at the end of the day.”
-Why? Male, Age 19