Every once and a while there is a day when I feel. And I mean really feel, EVERYTHING. And the pain begins to flow from my eyes, while my soul slowly breaks into a million pieces. My façade of fine disappears and all those who don’t know me think that the crazy rich girl has finally cracked and maybe a wardrobe malfunction sent her over the edge. And those who do know me, who really know me, understand that something really wrong must have happened; because my façade it never goes down without a fight. But when it does a wave of emotion escapes its grasp, and I go down hard.
And today is one of those days. A day when the stitches I so painfully put in to seem okay to the world are ripped free and blood and tears mix together to form a puddle of sorrow that seems to extend into the depths of despair. Today I feel…. I feel the pain of a past that I never can seem to outrun, the pain of brokenness that extends into my core and that I fear will continue into my future. Days like today, they remind of the truth that so many of us like to ignore; that this world is a broken place. A broken place that never will become whole until a savior returns to conquer the pain brokenness causes.
And on days like today I have to remind myself that the one who conquered death so easily can conquer the pain and brokenness I feel when I allow myself to. Because brokenness it is only the smallest of things compared to the magnitude of death. So I have to remind myself that I am secured by a heavenly father who wipes tears from my eyes and holds me tight in steadfast arms that never let go. I have to remember that his word guarantees a victory that destroys what I fear most, and that when he comes he will love the least of me vastly more than he loves the “together” me.
What I pray for most nights as I stuff the emotion away is for a community that sees the real me. Because the together me, she’s the one who feels like she’s suffocating in a sea of people who are truly okay. But as I lay in my bed at night I hear the soft whisper that my heavenly father everyday faithfully provides. He reminds me that it not despite my worn edges, tattered heart, and tears that he loves me, but BECAUSE of them. My heavenly father reminds me on my worst days, when I feel like no one loves me because I am unworthy of their love, that he loves me. He reminds me that I am not meant to be fine, that my façade built brick by brick to show the world that I’m okay does nothing to keep him out. He sees the real me, and ultimately loves me more because of it.
-Beauty in Brokenness, Female 19